Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Mother Teresa

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Nostalgia and pain

I am still feeling the effects of the Santa Ana winds.  Poor Mary Jane has not felt well for the past 24 hours.  It hurts me to see her so sad and grumpy. 

That said, I wanted to  make sure to document my nostalgia this week.

One year ago we left Thanksgiving dinner early.  It was planned but the departure left me in tears.  The hubby's family decided they were ungifting the money they'd given us for adoption and wanted it repaid. 

While I understand their decision (too much to detail here), it was a blow to the gut.  And said gut had been sucker-punched too often in the previous ten weeks.  Three failed adoption matches and countless dollars lost.  It was more than we could fathom.

So we planned a little get away.  Our hope was to just enjoy each other.  Everyone kept saying that we needed to enjoy life as a couple before we became parents.  Those words stung since there was not date for us to become parents.  However the Mister convinced me that we should get out of town.  It was much needed.   

So we retreated to Santa Barbara.  It's strange.  SB is close... two hours away yet neither of us have spent much time in SB. 

We booked a room at the Upham Hotel which is one of the oldest inns in SB.  It was quaint in a good way (you know... sometimes quaint means shabby w/o chic). 

Here's a picture or two:

Sorry for the blurriness...

We were not in a good place.  The only positive thing that I can say about last Fall is that we were leaning on one another the way married people should in tough times.  I think we both questioned God and his plan at times.  It was rough.  All we wanted was to be able to be a mom and a dad.  And in those days, our hope was lost.

We enjoyed Santa Barbara and the Upham Hotel as much as two sad saps hoping for something that seemed intangible could.  We saw Tangled (the Mister's BIL has credits in the movie...) and had nice dinners out.  We played Scrabble and sipped cocoa.  We admired the hotel's Christmas tree which was already assembled.  It was nice but we felt vacant.

What we didn't know is that God's perfect and unfailing plan was about to be revealed to us in a way we never anticipated.  We could have never guessed in a matter of two weeks we would have our baby girl.  We never thought we'd end up with a Korean daughter (domestic adoptions are rare for Asian families.)  We could have never guessed that it would be a friend that led us to our birth family. 

Life is mysterious and wonderful.  And God is great. 

I know when I was waiting I never wanted to hear "in God's time".  But now more than ever that saying rings true.  I wish I could hug all of my IF, TTCing, and wanting-to-adopt sisters in the world and remind them that this is all in God's wonderful hands.  It really is and I am a testament to that fact.

Our Mary Jane could not be more right for our family. She is mine and I am hers.  There's no doubt that this was His divine plan. 

As strange as it sounds I get nostalgic for that empty pain we felt last year.  It is that pain that reminds me to be grateful for our gifts this year.  It reminds me of who I need to be in service to God and others.  That pain will always have a special place in my heart as a reminder of God's call to trust. 

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